Pulling Into May

I have never related to an internet meme more. To say that this year has been challenging would definitely be an understatement. I remember leaving Canada on January 2 with so much hope and excitement for what this year was going to hold, so much joy and belief. Now it's May, and I am feeling like the girl in the passenger seat of that meme. Roughed up, filled with disappointment, and wondering how I got here.

If you've been following my posts at all, you'll have noticed that the theme of the last few months has been dealing with unmet expectations and trying to walk in God's peace anyways. Well, this last week that became truer than ever. Due to the COVID situation, the engineer who was slated to come and complete the final push to get our engines up and operational was delayed until the PNG border opens up again. As a result, ship management in Kona decided that it was time to evacuate the ship until the engineer is able to return, save a small skeleton crew to maintain security and operations. 

This was a massive blow. Not just because it's yet another delay to this project that was supposed to be completed a year ago, but because it means the dispersing of my community. I wanted to leave. I wanted to go stay in the village with my friends and find new medical ministry opportunities; but as I prayed into it, I continued to hear from the Lord that He wants me to stay and see this thing through to completion. So I have remained on board with just seven others: five Filipino crew who are unable to get home due to the shutdowns in Manila, and two PNG Nationals who are YWAMers. 

Sometimes being obedient to God's will sucks. 

What I want isn't always going to line up with what God wants, even if the things I want are noble, good things. I want to do medical care. I want to interact with people in need and share the love of Christ with them in practical ways. These aren't bad things, and I know they are what God has placed me on this earth to do, but in this season, right now, God needs me to do something else. It feels so crappy and disappointing, and I am aware that all my supporters, family, and friends back home are maybe questioning whether I should continue or call it quits and come home and find a new organisation. And honestly? Sometimes I do too. 

But what I've learned over the last three years is that I don't need to know the whole plan, I just need to know the next step. In the past the steps were big steps; I make the jump and then I'm able to see roughly the next 6-12 months of my life. Now God is narrowing the window. He's saying "how much do you trust me? Will you trust me if you can only see the next month? What about if you can only see the next week? Will you still trust me?" 

I'm terrified, but I want to say yes. He is my heavenly father and he loves me so deeply, and he will never let me fall. He is right there beside me, every step of the way. He is leading me somewhere good, even if I have no idea where that might be.

Despite everything, I am grateful for the things I have. I have a roof over my head in the form of a comfortable ship with air conditioning. I get three meals a day. Easy access to clean water. Even though my new community is small and I am missing dear friends, they are so solid and are going the extra mile to make sure that I (and everyone else) is taken care of. 

It's been a long time since my heart hurt this much, but I know that God is in it, and that he is working and will be glorified through this challenging time. I will have more time over the next few weeks, and if you're thinking of me, I would love it if you reached out to check in and catch up. Please pray for doors to open, that airports and travel restrictions would start to loosen and that this season of shutdown would be short. That being said, please pray that this shutdown would also be an opportunity to seek God and grow and hear His voice ever clearer! 

"You've kept track of all my wandering and my weeping. You've stored my many tears in your bottle-not one will be lost. For they are all recorded in your book of remembrance. The very moment I call to you for a father's help the tide of battle turns and my enemies flee. This one thing I know: God is on my side! I trust in the Lord. And I praise him! What harm could man do to me? With God on my side I will not be afraid of what comes. My heart overflows with praise to God and for his promises. I will always trust in Him." Psalm 56:8-11 TPT